Particles, LibDems, urine and media-speak

THE GIANT WESTMINSTER TORY ACCELERATOR

The mysterious Clegg boson particle, the one that scientists think may be responsible for keeping the Tories alive, was detected in Westminster today. It bears a little understood relationship to the Cable particle, which was once thought to have certain characteristic principles. This hypothesis is now believed to be in doubt. Scientist are now looking at the older Ashdown particle to see if this offers any new insights. The Kennedy particle, a pale red shadow of its former self, can be found on media chat show studio sofas all over Britain, but it is no longer believed to have any momentum or significance, and accelerating it has proved an intractable problem.

MEDICAL MATTERS

Research into deliberate urine retention, as practised by the Prime Minister, David Cameron to sustain concentration in important meetings has now shown that the practice actually increases the possibility of serious mistakes of judgement, and induces a craven submission to expediency in the face of vociferous minorities. This may go some way to explaining recent unfortunate events in Europe. Being bitten by a British Bulldog while practising urine retention will produce completely foreseeable, unpleasant and damaging consequences.

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IN MEDIA-SPEAK

Media journalists and presenters may be professional communicators but are frequently deficient in their grasp of English.

They may be paid to choose their words imaginatively and carefully but they are locked into tired, repetitive phraseology.

They may be political reporters and commentators but they are as cliché-ridden as sports journalists.

They may have the infinite richness of  English grammar, syntax and vocabulary from which to craft their introductions but are reduced to constant tedious use of the may be – but formulation.

I may be a “grumpy old git with a blog” – a recent and accurate description of me on Twitter – but I could avoid the repetitive and usually inaccurate use of may be –but quite easily if I had to write a few paragraphs on The English Language in media-speak …

Wait a bloody minute – has the verbal plague begun to affect me to?

Snow in England - but why no demands for resignations? Three Scots on Andrew Marr Show

England gridlocked by snow - snow headlines in Sunday papers - travel paralysed - motorists stranded. But the Andrew Marr Show tries to laugh it off.

Three Scots in a row - Marr, Charles Kennedy and Rory Bremner - all invited to keep the tone light and humorous by Marr. Bremner goes along with it, but Charles Kennedy - ever direct - reminds them of the uncomfortable fact that the Scottish Transport Minister was forced to resign over snow problems.

Andrew Marr moves swiftly on. Serious problems in England, transport disrupted - people may die, but nothing must suggest that the Scottish Unionist Opposition were wrong in their contemptible witch hunt against Stewart Stevenson, and God forbid, that anyone should call for resignations at Westminster.

 That would never do ...

Baroness Warsi is just not up to the job - says Charles “She’ll be sacked in a year’s time…”

Bye bye, Baroness - Charles Kennedy's prediction. “She’s just not up to the job …”

Please let it be soon ...  If I have to listen to that unstoppable torrent of words for much longer, I don't think I could stand it. Even David Dimbleby had trouble shutting her up on Question Time last night.

How many members did you say the Tories had, Sayeeda? Still don't know? How strange! Funny, the Labour Party in Scotland has suffered the same confusion, even amnesia.

The ConLib farce – How did we get here?

As the ConLib coalition (the Conservatives conned the LibDems) gets into even muddier water, and rumours surface of Charles Kennedy’s defection, let’s remind ourselves that a Rainbow coalition was possible on the arithmetic of the general election, but Labour wrecked it, and betrayed their Scottish voters in the process, delivering them into the hands of Cameron’s millionaires and possibly a double dip recession.

Labour bottled out of clearing up the mess they had created, and are gambling on the coalition coming apart at its badly welded seams, as well it might. In the process, they have gambled with the future of their supporters in Scotland. Those senior Labour former leaders and leadership contenders who appeared at Jimmy Reid’s funeral have airbrushed over his remarks about the hollow shell of what was once the People’s Party.